Straw Dogs

Well I tried to follow what I said last time and watch a B movie comedy, Blubberella, but I just couldn't do it.  I tried for about thirty minutes and B comedies aren't the same for me as B horror movies.  So instead of watching a crummy comedy I went for a current main stream crummy movie.  I was not disappointed with Straw Dogs!

Pluses of the movie were hot guys (Alexander Skarsgard and James Marsden) and James Woods not because he is attractive I just like him.  Negatives were setting backwoods louisianna (southern hillbilly Mecca) and James Woods with a hick accent.  Having most of my family being born in Oklahoma and deep woods Arkansas I would like to take a moment and say that most hillbillies are quite nice and fun.  Ofcourse in this movie every man was a redneck ready to get drunk, brawl and hit women over their heads with clubs and drag them back to their caves.

My hubby did remind me a bit of James Marsden's character (the nice guy trying to fit in but when push comes to shove he will take you down).  Now those of you who know my husband are laughing out loud now but those of you who really know my man are nodding in agreement.  Although I hope I am not like Kate Bosworth's character cause I found myself wanting to punch her in the face.  Who goes on a long, fast run wearing no shoes and no bra?  An idiot that's who.  I give this movie a 2 1/2 out of 5 stars.  It wast worth watching but it makes me want to watch the original with Dustin Hoffman.  He takes down British ruffians.  Now that I would like to see!

The Walking Dead Episode 1

Ok, this one is for you Borris. I finally watched the first episode after being told numerous times how much I would love it. Since everyone has seen it I won't go into great detail but for those who haven't, a guy wakes up in a hospital and finds people have been turned into zombies. Hmmmm, I believe I saw that in 28 Days Later, one of my favorite zombieish movies by the way.

My first question is how long has he been there? Whether it was a couple of days or a couple of months they didn't address the obvious question on everyone's mind. HUMAN WASTE!!! He woke up and looked cleaner than most people do after a brisk walk. He had a hard time walking and his voice was hoarse but he looked as fresh as a daisy. I enjoyed meeting the father and son characters. I especially enjoyed the dad's whisper talk all the time. Although he needs to talk some advice from Woody and, "--- up or shut up". If my honey dearest let me walk around as a zombie in a bathrobe no less I wouldn't be very happy. This is a complete side note but for some reason the half body corpse that was so endearing reminded me of Meg Mucklebones and I have no idea why. Maybe it was the way the half corpse moved. Also, upon further research Meg was played by Robert Picardo (Star Trek, Gremlins 2, Total Recall). I just thought that was an interesting factoid.

Second, I am excited about the love triangle! Oh what a tangled web we weave when in a zombie apocalypse. I predict the best friend will sacrifice himself by the 3rd season. Nobody tell me. When Grimes was calling on his CB and didn't hear his fam on the other end, I felt just like I was a kid again and the worm was telling Sarah, "Not that way, never that way" in Labyrinth. I think that was my favorite part.

Third, I hated the horse part. He could have just left the nice, sweet horse in his happy pasture but no, he was too much of a pansy to go into the house with the dead people and look for car keys. And why did the dead people write in blood on the wall? Wouldn't God appreciate an ink note just the same? Overall I give this a 3 out of 5 stars. Which is just enough to keep me watching. I think I might have to watch a happy movie soon, I love horror flicks but I think I could use a chuckle. All the gore is starting to put me in a funk. I need my movie watching buddy to move back here from Austin so I'm not watching all this gore alone. My next blog will have to be about a bad comedy.

Hobo with a Shotgun

Every once in a while you find a movie that just puts you in a funk and makes you feel terrible for watching it. This movie fits that bill; I couldn't even finish it. I guess I knew what I was in for when the second scene had a man being killed by his brother with barb wire, I'll let you use your imagination on how it happened. Yuck!

Why did I even watch 45 minutes of this grande poopala? The hobo was played by my one of my favorite actors, Rutger Hauer. I love him from Bladrunner, Ladyhawke and Flesh n Blood. Instead of watching an older actor who has aged gracefully (example: Paul Newman from The Color of Money) I was watching a dried up old prune become a shotgun vigilante in a hellish town. Although he still had his nice voice; The only plus of the movie I might add. The only way I can describe this movie is a non artsy, grosser by 75%, terrible acting Sin City. Which the famed hobo also starred in. I give this movie no stars out of 5, and this comes from someone who watched a movie about a killer tire. Thank goodness for awesome movies like Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter!

Blood Creek

This movie had all the makings of a great scary movie. Fabulous intro, creepy nazi (Michael Fassbender) moves into a 1920's farm in America. He found a magical rune that makes people immortal. Ofcourse this only happens by drinking the blood of the living and looking extra gross. Fast forward to current time and the farm family has been forced to feed the monster for decades. Two brothers find out about this sinister farm and decide to take it upon themselves to rid the world of this evil. This is not an easy task. They encounter man eating horses, zombie people and/or dogs and so on. I was thouroughly enjoying the movie (bad acting and all) until the end when the bad guy hammers a nail into his head but how else are you supposed to acquire a third eye without doing this?

Upon further investigation this movie was directed by Joel Schumacher (Lost Boys). Maybe this is why it was better than most crappy movies I watch. I rate this movie a 3 out of 5 stars if you enjoy gross horror movies. Oh did I mention all the gore? It is a blood vest indeed. Cute guys, blood and ancient runes, What more could a girl ask for?

Michael Fassbender Cute!

Michael Fassbender Not so Cute!

Jersey Shore: Shark Attack

Well you can thank my good friend Tina for this gem. It was easily the worst movie I have ever seen by far.  Even though it did have a few humorous parts and a couple old, nostalgic actors it STUNK!  The premise was a money grubbing real estate developer, played by William Atherton (Real Genius - Professor Jerry Hathaway), wants to develop the beautiful (haha) Jersey shore into prime real estate.  While doing this a construction worker (who is later elctrocuted while holding someone's shark eaten arm) bumps a large beam in the ground that you guessed it ... attracts SHARKS!!!

As you can image horror and hilarity ensue.  The best part was when the Jersey Guidos figure out before everyone else that sharks are attacking.  This leads them to the bright idea to lure the sharks in with energy, muscle building bars and then attempt to explode them with the best shark defense ever ... FIREWORKS!!!  Seriously people!?!  Did I mention that it is suppossed to be making fun of the real Jersey Shore?  They even have a character named Nookie and The Complication.  It had funny intention but extremly low budget.  They spent all their money on old, has been actors, ie: Jack Scalia (All My Children and every Lifetime movie ever made), Paul Sorvino (hopefully you know him), the above mentioned, Joey Fatoine, as well as a fat construction worker how looked like an actor from The Sopranos but I couldn't find him on imdb.

Quote example:
Nooki: You came for me?
TC 'The Complication': And a few other hotties.
Nooki: There's only one hotty left on this boat.

This was said after The Complication resuces the boatload of preppies that are being attacked by sharks.  After writing this blog I think I changed my mind and moved it up on my list from THE worst movie I have ever seen to just one of the worst movies I've ever seen.  Well hope everyone is having one crazy summer and I will chat at you later.

Season of the Witch

Oh dear sister I blame this one on you.   Why oh why did you suggest this one?   More importantly why oh why did I watch the whole thing?   It goes against my code of staying away from mainstream action movies but I always get sucked into that fantasy crap.   I just can't stay away from it, my inner Dragonslayer always calls to me.  

On the pro side it had good scenery, a pustule ridden Christopher Lee and my favorite line, "Looked like someone pissed in his holy water".   On the con side it pretty much stunk. It was full of slow motion battle scenes, people being killed by a slight hit of the sword, terrible one liners (mostly from Ron Pearlman) and worst of all Nic Cage with a full head of hair. Why do you insist on wearing a hair piece?   We all know you are old and bald just accept it and move on like Bruce Willis did.  Also, one of my biggest pet peeves is the multiple accents in one movie.  This one had a range from British, Irish, Eastern European and ofcourse American.  I mean if you want me to believe that the Devil is trying to kill mankind with the plague and destroy a holy book then at least use one maybe two accents.  This movie had a 40 million dollar price tag but only brought in 25 million.   Big surprise.   I'm sure if I was thirteen I would of loved it.   If it was made as a B movie I would have loved it but in this form it is unlovable.   As my sister said this movie made Drive Angry an Oscar winner and I have to agree.  Ron Pearlman please stick to Hellboy, that role was meant for you.

Well summer is about to start so I will be more diligent about crappy movie blogging.   Until then I leave you with my other favorite quote from Season of the Witch:

Behman: We've been walking all day and haven't passed a soul. (Nic Cage)
Felson: Keep your souls, let me find a chicken. (Ron Pearlman)

Shark Night

Well it's been awhile but I managed to watch Shark Night tonight. It was absolutely terrible although it did have the key symptoms of a crummy B horror movie. Dumb college students going out for a weekend in the Louisiana Bayou, woohoo!, and getting attacked by sharks. You are asking yourself "Self, why are there sharks in the Bayou?", well I will tell you. Two sadistic creepers (hmm I am reminded of two guys who shall remain nameless but you know who you are! Everyone at work knows who I'm referring to). Anyway back to the story.  These creepers are filming real shark attack so people that enjoy Shark Week can see the real action.  No worries you figure this out pretty quick.  ****Spoiler Alert**** It sucks!!!! 

What made this movie watchable? First, the male Guess model, Chris Carmack was one of the creepers, see below! And classic lines such as, "We are going to get a doctor to humpty dumpy your butt back together." Of course this was said to one of the shark attack victims who lost an arm.  And scenes with the armless man attacking and killing a hammerhead shark with a spear.  Another great scene was a man getting eaten by a shark breaching out of the water over a jet ski.  I'm not even sure the shark was a Great White.  Do Bull Sharks breach?  My very favorite scene was the death of a character by a Nurse Shark (I mean Nurse Shark, really?) but it was set to the song Round and Round by RATT.

I don't have any life comparisons to this movie because lets face I've never been in a killer shark situation but I can tell Boris that it reaffirms my belief, "Water is not meant for humans, NO DIVING!"

Rubber

Oh thank goodness for STARZ indieplex!  I was able to record and watch Rubber last weekend.  This flummox was about a car tire that comes to life and reeks havoc on a desert town.  That's right folks, a CAR TIRE has psychic powers and is able to explode people's heads.  It was full of life's little trials and tribulations.  You know, "It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day."  Sorry, just wanted to throw in a little Leslie Neilson for my personal enjoyment.  Back to the story.  He comes to life and doesn't know why but he has to manage around trash, highways, hotels and ofcourse ladies.  He falls in love with a beautiful brunette that does not return the feeling.  Oh what is a tire to do?  Kill people ofcourse and did I mention that he enjoys watching t.v.  All in all this movie was enertaining if you can handle to premise (it's meant to be humorous).  I would suggest it to all my Indie film lovers out there.

Troll Hunter

Well I have gotten a little behind in my blog but let's be serious, who is surprised about that?  Don't worry I have been watching crummy movies I just haven't been on the computer lately.  Last week I managed to watch the infamous Troll Hunter.  A Norwegian film in subtitles no less.  It was actually pretty great!  The plot: College film students investigate a bear attack (because that's what film students do) and discover a man who hunts trolls.  Apparently the Norway government knows about trolls and have ex military men hunt them.  The clips of the trolls were fantabulous!  The movie was a cross between a less nauseating Blair Witch and a low budget Lord of the Rings.  I give this movie two foreign thumb's up.  I mean you have to read subtitles but at least you get to watch trolls. 

Home front news: just when I thought I was channeling the Mockingjay and inspiring a rebellion with our friends, my dear husband and Borris, the key player in my rebellion, are planning an outing to go to a gunshow for the majority of a Sunday.  I mean not only are you leaving the fam when our time is so limited, you're leaving the fam for a GUNSHOW!  Not the good kinda gunshow either, feel free to laugh and imagine Matthew McConaughey here.  It's the kind of show where you think to yourself, "Self, why am I here watching a bunch of goobers discussing the best type of Glock to buy in case I have to take someone out."  Seriously?!?  To each their own I suppose.  I shouldn't say anything I am currently watching, Ghoul, which I recorded off the Chiller channel.  I just witnessed two love birds get killed by a ghoul and a bunch of vines but at least I am watching my crummy movie late at night after P has gone to bed but I digress.  It seems I am back to the drawing board and the rebellion is back on!  To quote the wise words of Mike Corleone, "Just when I thought I was out ... they pull me back in."  Translation, just when I thought I made progress ... he goes back to his old ways.  I must now devote my time to Ghoul so I can report on it later.  Over and out!

Sucker Punch

Bad movie Monday was Sucker Punch!  Besides it having a good soundtrack and pretty cool graphics the deep meaning was lost on me.  I realize she is releasing her pain by escaping to other realities and there for obtaining freedom but I kept finding myself saying, "Whooooo cares!"  I did enjoy the Nazi zombies, dragons, etc. but Scott Glenn's face was no doubt the scariest part.  Eek!  It almost scared me to death. 

No changes on the home rebellion front.  Husband has been quite pleasant this week.  I think he read my blog and got scared.  Or maybe I have been following the wise message of Sucker Punch and escaped into my own reality.  Maybe I had a lobotomy and what I think is real is truly an alternate state.  If that's the case why can't I be a millionaire jet setter?  Just questions to contemplate while enjoying a libation this evening.

Anyway, my evaluation of Sucker Punch is a D-.  I would have given it a C- but the name Sucker Punch bothers me.

Alien Apocalypse

I managed to watch one other crummy movie just under the wire.  This peach was Alien Apocalypse starring the great, fabulous, magnificent Bruce Campbell and Renee O'Connor (Xena's sidekick).  The premise: four astronauts return to Earth after being in space and much to their surprise Earth has been taken over by gigantic praying mantis bugs.  YUCK!  The bugs have enslaved the humans and force them to work in lumber yards (bugs eat wood!  insert giggle here!).  Bruce leds the humans in a rebellion against the sawmill.  They ofcourse defeat them and save the girl.  It ends with them geared up to attack more sawmills and bring down the Capitol!  Just thought I would throw that last part in for all my Hunger Games lovers. 

I am sure everyone is wondering why it took me so long to post but alas life has been imitating art.  How can I relate my life to Alien Apocalypse?  I ofcourse would be the snarky and attractive Bruce Campbell trying to save my life aka: sanity from the bugs which would be played by my darling husband.  Here is my qoute comparison of Bruce and I, my life in bold.

Bruce Campbell / Dr. Ivan Hood: You know, there were so many things in this world (pre toddler) that I always took for granted and now that they're gone, Ooph! I miss'em!
Friend: Like what?
Bruce Campbell / Dr. Ivan Hood: Well like they had these restaurants. People called them 'Greasy Spoons' (any bar or On the Border) and you could go in there and get eggs, toast, hash browns, and coffee for nine ninety nine (beveridges or Southwest Chicken Tacos), and the waitress would come around FOUR times and ask you if everything was alright, and then forget to give you coffee (beer or soda). And uh, scanning up and down the radio dial lookin' for a good song and only finding ones that you don't like, y'know. And, like, BASKETBALL!... (I have no comparison) even though my team never won and we never got into the playoffs. And crappy TV shows (Alien Apocalypse on SyFy)... I dunno.
Now you ask me, why is your darling husband the bug?  I answer this question with brief synopsis of one of our many conversations today. 
     Me: I need you to watch P while I go to hospital to see my Grandmother.
     Husband: I thought it wasn't serious I wanted to go to the driving range. 
     Me: I can't repeat what went through my head but needless to say he stayed home with P while I went.

He is now at the driving range while I type about him.  I feel I must overthrow his regime (him getting his way all the time) and bring in a new reign of terror (Me).  This week I plan strategy for my rebellion.  I feel I will have to build up my numbers. This will have to start with our good friends (Boris and Natasha, you know who you are) joining my side.  Unfortunately my man is hitting balls with Boris now.  Hmm?!?  What is a rebel leader to do?  Well Bruce rallied his troops with stupity (I've got plenty of that) and sarcasm (no problemo here).  I feel I have these qualities of a leader.  I will silently but diligently continue to plan my coup and let you know of the progress.  Final thought:  What would the Mockingjay do?

Drive Angry

It occurs to me that during a hectic day of work, picking up my 16 month old, going to the store, making spaghetti, cleaning spaghetti (thrown by 16 month old) off the carpet, dealing with a dog that has a skin allergy problem, and folding laundry I need to get back to my roots.  Bad movies.  I need to watch terrible movies and I need to do it STAT!  So why not start with one filled with more crapola than yes dare I say it, Con-Air.  That would be another gem staring Nic Cage, Drive Angry.  It is no doubt one of the dumbest movies I have ever seen and I sat through Jason X at the Grand when it first came out.  Upon further investigation the man who wrote and stared in Drive Angry also wrote and started in Jason X.  Interesting?!? We know why Nicolas Cage made this movie, he is in a downward spiral of Hollywood stinkers.  In fact the only person who made this movie bearable was William Fichtner.  Even though I feel I am losing IQ points (I don't have may to spare mind you) while watching this movie I also feel a sense of the old Mel.  I am making a promise to myself to try and watch two awful movies per week, then share my thoughts with you.  I will also try and watch a few real ones inbetween the crud but I don't want to set my sights too high.  Next post will be more detailed about the movie, family and friends.  I promise!  I must now get ready for bed and start the whole day over.  Thank goodness for family, friends, movies and libations!