Dead Pool

Oh my, oh my!  My first question is why did they make five Dirty Harry sequels?  I know there are many fans of the first one but I gotta say it is not my list of top crummy movies.  I found the first one only marginally entertaining and this one only acceptable due to Jim Carrey.  In fact he was the best character of the movie and only appeared in it for 10 minutes.  I highly suggest you youtube Jim Carrey, Dead Pool so you can see him dance around to Welcome to the Jungle.  The second best character was Evan Kim, Harry's partner.  Is it bad that I recognized him from The Kentucky Fried Movie and Caveman?  Oh, Caveman now that's a stinker I need to revisit!  So anyway back to this movie.  Terrible premise: Liam Neesam's character and some other spare have a Dead Pool list of people they think will die.  They then bet on this list.  Well since Harry is famous now by taking down so many bad guys he is ofcourse on this list.  There is lots of shooting and on-liners that are terrible.  My suggestion, DON'T WATCH, unless you are my dad and love Dirty Harry.

On the home front, I think after the flu, strep throat and surgery for my little dude I think we are finally getting back to normal.  Although now I have car problems but my hubby is taking it into the dealer today and oddly enough going to go pretend he is Dirty Harry on his man date.  That leaves me alone with little munchkin all night to veg and snuggle.  I will try to post later tonight or tomorrow about Bates Motel.  It is getting good!!!  So last question you gotta ask yourself, "Do you feel lucky punk?  Well do you!?"

Snow White and the Huntsman / Hercules

 

I know what you guys are thinking, well maybe except my one Twilight fan friend, why in the heckola did you willingly watch a movie with Kristen Stewart.  Well the answer,  as seen above, is Thor!!!  What a hottie!  The movie actually wasn't that bad.  It had a cool story, neato nature and funny dwarves.  But most importantly minimal talking by Kristen plus Charlize Theron was one hardcore witch.  I don't really have anything else to say about this movie but wait till it comes out on cable and definitely record it.

I am going to also discuss Hercules on this post. I have become readdicted to the 90's t.v. show. It comes on the HUB every night and I can't stop watching it. Is it because it's cheesy? Definitely! Is it because I find Kevin Sorbo hot? Mostly! Although he is a terrible actor I loved him in Hercules and Kull the Conqueror. Interestingly enough I only like him when he is playing a mythological character or a Vikingesck warrior. One question I have always wondered is why Hera's eye are always portrayed with a peacock feather?. I guess I should google it.


Also, for all my coworkers out there I am going to start practicing my Xena fight sounds so you better brace yourself.  I am going to try and find a way to have my own personal soundtrack at work too.  Hopefully it will be Xena chanting.  I am going to put my illustrious leader in charge of that task, you know who you are, Clue fan!

Camp Hell

Oh my goodness when I saw this coming on cable my heart skipped a beat.  The title alone got my blood pumping and then upon further investigation I discovered it stars Bruce Davison, of Coffin fame or maybe you remember him in X-Men, and wait for it ... Andrew McCarthy!  I have loved him ever since Mannequin and ofcourse the Academy Award winner Weekend at Bernies (just thinking about that movie makes me want to watch it again and maybe the 2nd one too).  But once I saw his name I was sold and I was only slightly disappointed.  It was pretty boring and Andrew wasn't in much of it but it had a nice creepy ending.

The premise is a demon terrorizing a Catholic Church Camp.  In my book you cant go wrong with a plot like that.  Why was a demon bothering these peeps you ask?  SINNING, SINNING, SINNING!!!  The priest kept warning the boys of the devil females and their cunning ways but the guys just couldn't help themselves.  It was the classic Garden of Eden story till the main kid gets caught in flagrante delicto (only 2 people will get that reference) with a girl.  Then the poo hits the fan.  He starts seeing a demon, blood flows everywhere, you can imagine the havoc.  I'll let you watch it for yourself so I won't ruin the ending.  But here is my spoiler alert it's 1 hour and 45 minutes but it felt like 3.

On a sidebar Jesse Eisenberg made a cameo in the movie.  He was a former camp goer gone insane by the demon.  I wonder how much he got paid for that or if he was doing it for a friend, it was made after Zombieland and the Social Network.

The Change-Up

I know it has been a very long time since I posted but alas what can I say, "I'm very lazy".  No worries though I have been watching a plethora of crummy and non crummy movies.  I will try to blog several times in the next couple of days to discuss the crapola and gems of films I have watched.  So here we go.

In the spirit of going outside the horror movie box I watched The Change-Up with my darling hubby.  I had high expectations only because I love Justin Bateman but alas the movie stunk. It stunk big time!  It suffered from the tragic over cussing and grossness that characterizes most comedies these days.  Don't get me wrong I love a good fart joke as much as the next humorous person but I don't need to hear the "F" bomb every other word to be entertained.  I'm just your normal everyday girl that wants a good old fashioned bizarro or smartalec comedy.  I miss the days of Mel Brooks and the Golden Girls.  I know, not a movie put they deserved a shout out.  Sorry for my rant, back to this turd of a movie.

The premise is a Freaky Friday scenario but between a single jerk and a husband/dad jerk.  I had a hard time sympathizing with either character since they were both selfish, whiney idiots.  Single guy, "nobody loves me and my Dad thinks I'm a loser", FYI, you are a loser.  Married guy, "my life is so hard I have too much responsibility", FYI, who cares.   I pretty much summed up the entire movie for you and I am sure you can figure out what happens.  They both realize what they have and improve their lives, barf!  The only surprising part of the movie was the amount of nudity by Leslie Mann.  If you're going to get naked what a waste of movie to do it for.  At least pretend you're doing it for artsy fartsy purposes.  People ask me "why don't you watch mainstream comedies?"  My answer, "The Change-Up!"

Straw Dogs

Well I tried to follow what I said last time and watch a B movie comedy, Blubberella, but I just couldn't do it.  I tried for about thirty minutes and B comedies aren't the same for me as B horror movies.  So instead of watching a crummy comedy I went for a current main stream crummy movie.  I was not disappointed with Straw Dogs!

Pluses of the movie were hot guys (Alexander Skarsgard and James Marsden) and James Woods not because he is attractive I just like him.  Negatives were setting backwoods louisianna (southern hillbilly Mecca) and James Woods with a hick accent.  Having most of my family being born in Oklahoma and deep woods Arkansas I would like to take a moment and say that most hillbillies are quite nice and fun.  Ofcourse in this movie every man was a redneck ready to get drunk, brawl and hit women over their heads with clubs and drag them back to their caves.

My hubby did remind me a bit of James Marsden's character (the nice guy trying to fit in but when push comes to shove he will take you down).  Now those of you who know my husband are laughing out loud now but those of you who really know my man are nodding in agreement.  Although I hope I am not like Kate Bosworth's character cause I found myself wanting to punch her in the face.  Who goes on a long, fast run wearing no shoes and no bra?  An idiot that's who.  I give this movie a 2 1/2 out of 5 stars.  It wast worth watching but it makes me want to watch the original with Dustin Hoffman.  He takes down British ruffians.  Now that I would like to see!

The Walking Dead Episode 1

Ok, this one is for you Borris. I finally watched the first episode after being told numerous times how much I would love it. Since everyone has seen it I won't go into great detail but for those who haven't, a guy wakes up in a hospital and finds people have been turned into zombies. Hmmmm, I believe I saw that in 28 Days Later, one of my favorite zombieish movies by the way.

My first question is how long has he been there? Whether it was a couple of days or a couple of months they didn't address the obvious question on everyone's mind. HUMAN WASTE!!! He woke up and looked cleaner than most people do after a brisk walk. He had a hard time walking and his voice was hoarse but he looked as fresh as a daisy. I enjoyed meeting the father and son characters. I especially enjoyed the dad's whisper talk all the time. Although he needs to talk some advice from Woody and, "--- up or shut up". If my honey dearest let me walk around as a zombie in a bathrobe no less I wouldn't be very happy. This is a complete side note but for some reason the half body corpse that was so endearing reminded me of Meg Mucklebones and I have no idea why. Maybe it was the way the half corpse moved. Also, upon further research Meg was played by Robert Picardo (Star Trek, Gremlins 2, Total Recall). I just thought that was an interesting factoid.

Second, I am excited about the love triangle! Oh what a tangled web we weave when in a zombie apocalypse. I predict the best friend will sacrifice himself by the 3rd season. Nobody tell me. When Grimes was calling on his CB and didn't hear his fam on the other end, I felt just like I was a kid again and the worm was telling Sarah, "Not that way, never that way" in Labyrinth. I think that was my favorite part.

Third, I hated the horse part. He could have just left the nice, sweet horse in his happy pasture but no, he was too much of a pansy to go into the house with the dead people and look for car keys. And why did the dead people write in blood on the wall? Wouldn't God appreciate an ink note just the same? Overall I give this a 3 out of 5 stars. Which is just enough to keep me watching. I think I might have to watch a happy movie soon, I love horror flicks but I think I could use a chuckle. All the gore is starting to put me in a funk. I need my movie watching buddy to move back here from Austin so I'm not watching all this gore alone. My next blog will have to be about a bad comedy.

Hobo with a Shotgun

Every once in a while you find a movie that just puts you in a funk and makes you feel terrible for watching it. This movie fits that bill; I couldn't even finish it. I guess I knew what I was in for when the second scene had a man being killed by his brother with barb wire, I'll let you use your imagination on how it happened. Yuck!

Why did I even watch 45 minutes of this grande poopala? The hobo was played by my one of my favorite actors, Rutger Hauer. I love him from Bladrunner, Ladyhawke and Flesh n Blood. Instead of watching an older actor who has aged gracefully (example: Paul Newman from The Color of Money) I was watching a dried up old prune become a shotgun vigilante in a hellish town. Although he still had his nice voice; The only plus of the movie I might add. The only way I can describe this movie is a non artsy, grosser by 75%, terrible acting Sin City. Which the famed hobo also starred in. I give this movie no stars out of 5, and this comes from someone who watched a movie about a killer tire. Thank goodness for awesome movies like Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter!