Straw Dogs

Well I tried to follow what I said last time and watch a B movie comedy, Blubberella, but I just couldn't do it.  I tried for about thirty minutes and B comedies aren't the same for me as B horror movies.  So instead of watching a crummy comedy I went for a current main stream crummy movie.  I was not disappointed with Straw Dogs!

Pluses of the movie were hot guys (Alexander Skarsgard and James Marsden) and James Woods not because he is attractive I just like him.  Negatives were setting backwoods louisianna (southern hillbilly Mecca) and James Woods with a hick accent.  Having most of my family being born in Oklahoma and deep woods Arkansas I would like to take a moment and say that most hillbillies are quite nice and fun.  Ofcourse in this movie every man was a redneck ready to get drunk, brawl and hit women over their heads with clubs and drag them back to their caves.

My hubby did remind me a bit of James Marsden's character (the nice guy trying to fit in but when push comes to shove he will take you down).  Now those of you who know my husband are laughing out loud now but those of you who really know my man are nodding in agreement.  Although I hope I am not like Kate Bosworth's character cause I found myself wanting to punch her in the face.  Who goes on a long, fast run wearing no shoes and no bra?  An idiot that's who.  I give this movie a 2 1/2 out of 5 stars.  It wast worth watching but it makes me want to watch the original with Dustin Hoffman.  He takes down British ruffians.  Now that I would like to see!

The Walking Dead Episode 1

Ok, this one is for you Borris. I finally watched the first episode after being told numerous times how much I would love it. Since everyone has seen it I won't go into great detail but for those who haven't, a guy wakes up in a hospital and finds people have been turned into zombies. Hmmmm, I believe I saw that in 28 Days Later, one of my favorite zombieish movies by the way.

My first question is how long has he been there? Whether it was a couple of days or a couple of months they didn't address the obvious question on everyone's mind. HUMAN WASTE!!! He woke up and looked cleaner than most people do after a brisk walk. He had a hard time walking and his voice was hoarse but he looked as fresh as a daisy. I enjoyed meeting the father and son characters. I especially enjoyed the dad's whisper talk all the time. Although he needs to talk some advice from Woody and, "--- up or shut up". If my honey dearest let me walk around as a zombie in a bathrobe no less I wouldn't be very happy. This is a complete side note but for some reason the half body corpse that was so endearing reminded me of Meg Mucklebones and I have no idea why. Maybe it was the way the half corpse moved. Also, upon further research Meg was played by Robert Picardo (Star Trek, Gremlins 2, Total Recall). I just thought that was an interesting factoid.

Second, I am excited about the love triangle! Oh what a tangled web we weave when in a zombie apocalypse. I predict the best friend will sacrifice himself by the 3rd season. Nobody tell me. When Grimes was calling on his CB and didn't hear his fam on the other end, I felt just like I was a kid again and the worm was telling Sarah, "Not that way, never that way" in Labyrinth. I think that was my favorite part.

Third, I hated the horse part. He could have just left the nice, sweet horse in his happy pasture but no, he was too much of a pansy to go into the house with the dead people and look for car keys. And why did the dead people write in blood on the wall? Wouldn't God appreciate an ink note just the same? Overall I give this a 3 out of 5 stars. Which is just enough to keep me watching. I think I might have to watch a happy movie soon, I love horror flicks but I think I could use a chuckle. All the gore is starting to put me in a funk. I need my movie watching buddy to move back here from Austin so I'm not watching all this gore alone. My next blog will have to be about a bad comedy.

Hobo with a Shotgun

Every once in a while you find a movie that just puts you in a funk and makes you feel terrible for watching it. This movie fits that bill; I couldn't even finish it. I guess I knew what I was in for when the second scene had a man being killed by his brother with barb wire, I'll let you use your imagination on how it happened. Yuck!

Why did I even watch 45 minutes of this grande poopala? The hobo was played by my one of my favorite actors, Rutger Hauer. I love him from Bladrunner, Ladyhawke and Flesh n Blood. Instead of watching an older actor who has aged gracefully (example: Paul Newman from The Color of Money) I was watching a dried up old prune become a shotgun vigilante in a hellish town. Although he still had his nice voice; The only plus of the movie I might add. The only way I can describe this movie is a non artsy, grosser by 75%, terrible acting Sin City. Which the famed hobo also starred in. I give this movie no stars out of 5, and this comes from someone who watched a movie about a killer tire. Thank goodness for awesome movies like Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter!

Blood Creek

This movie had all the makings of a great scary movie. Fabulous intro, creepy nazi (Michael Fassbender) moves into a 1920's farm in America. He found a magical rune that makes people immortal. Ofcourse this only happens by drinking the blood of the living and looking extra gross. Fast forward to current time and the farm family has been forced to feed the monster for decades. Two brothers find out about this sinister farm and decide to take it upon themselves to rid the world of this evil. This is not an easy task. They encounter man eating horses, zombie people and/or dogs and so on. I was thouroughly enjoying the movie (bad acting and all) until the end when the bad guy hammers a nail into his head but how else are you supposed to acquire a third eye without doing this?

Upon further investigation this movie was directed by Joel Schumacher (Lost Boys). Maybe this is why it was better than most crappy movies I watch. I rate this movie a 3 out of 5 stars if you enjoy gross horror movies. Oh did I mention all the gore? It is a blood vest indeed. Cute guys, blood and ancient runes, What more could a girl ask for?

Michael Fassbender Cute!

Michael Fassbender Not so Cute!

Jersey Shore: Shark Attack

Well you can thank my good friend Tina for this gem. It was easily the worst movie I have ever seen by far.  Even though it did have a few humorous parts and a couple old, nostalgic actors it STUNK!  The premise was a money grubbing real estate developer, played by William Atherton (Real Genius - Professor Jerry Hathaway), wants to develop the beautiful (haha) Jersey shore into prime real estate.  While doing this a construction worker (who is later elctrocuted while holding someone's shark eaten arm) bumps a large beam in the ground that you guessed it ... attracts SHARKS!!!

As you can image horror and hilarity ensue.  The best part was when the Jersey Guidos figure out before everyone else that sharks are attacking.  This leads them to the bright idea to lure the sharks in with energy, muscle building bars and then attempt to explode them with the best shark defense ever ... FIREWORKS!!!  Seriously people!?!  Did I mention that it is suppossed to be making fun of the real Jersey Shore?  They even have a character named Nookie and The Complication.  It had funny intention but extremly low budget.  They spent all their money on old, has been actors, ie: Jack Scalia (All My Children and every Lifetime movie ever made), Paul Sorvino (hopefully you know him), the above mentioned, Joey Fatoine, as well as a fat construction worker how looked like an actor from The Sopranos but I couldn't find him on imdb.

Quote example:
Nooki: You came for me?
TC 'The Complication': And a few other hotties.
Nooki: There's only one hotty left on this boat.

This was said after The Complication resuces the boatload of preppies that are being attacked by sharks.  After writing this blog I think I changed my mind and moved it up on my list from THE worst movie I have ever seen to just one of the worst movies I've ever seen.  Well hope everyone is having one crazy summer and I will chat at you later.

Season of the Witch

Oh dear sister I blame this one on you.   Why oh why did you suggest this one?   More importantly why oh why did I watch the whole thing?   It goes against my code of staying away from mainstream action movies but I always get sucked into that fantasy crap.   I just can't stay away from it, my inner Dragonslayer always calls to me.  

On the pro side it had good scenery, a pustule ridden Christopher Lee and my favorite line, "Looked like someone pissed in his holy water".   On the con side it pretty much stunk. It was full of slow motion battle scenes, people being killed by a slight hit of the sword, terrible one liners (mostly from Ron Pearlman) and worst of all Nic Cage with a full head of hair. Why do you insist on wearing a hair piece?   We all know you are old and bald just accept it and move on like Bruce Willis did.  Also, one of my biggest pet peeves is the multiple accents in one movie.  This one had a range from British, Irish, Eastern European and ofcourse American.  I mean if you want me to believe that the Devil is trying to kill mankind with the plague and destroy a holy book then at least use one maybe two accents.  This movie had a 40 million dollar price tag but only brought in 25 million.   Big surprise.   I'm sure if I was thirteen I would of loved it.   If it was made as a B movie I would have loved it but in this form it is unlovable.   As my sister said this movie made Drive Angry an Oscar winner and I have to agree.  Ron Pearlman please stick to Hellboy, that role was meant for you.

Well summer is about to start so I will be more diligent about crappy movie blogging.   Until then I leave you with my other favorite quote from Season of the Witch:

Behman: We've been walking all day and haven't passed a soul. (Nic Cage)
Felson: Keep your souls, let me find a chicken. (Ron Pearlman)

Shark Night

Well it's been awhile but I managed to watch Shark Night tonight. It was absolutely terrible although it did have the key symptoms of a crummy B horror movie. Dumb college students going out for a weekend in the Louisiana Bayou, woohoo!, and getting attacked by sharks. You are asking yourself "Self, why are there sharks in the Bayou?", well I will tell you. Two sadistic creepers (hmm I am reminded of two guys who shall remain nameless but you know who you are! Everyone at work knows who I'm referring to). Anyway back to the story.  These creepers are filming real shark attack so people that enjoy Shark Week can see the real action.  No worries you figure this out pretty quick.  ****Spoiler Alert**** It sucks!!!! 

What made this movie watchable? First, the male Guess model, Chris Carmack was one of the creepers, see below! And classic lines such as, "We are going to get a doctor to humpty dumpy your butt back together." Of course this was said to one of the shark attack victims who lost an arm.  And scenes with the armless man attacking and killing a hammerhead shark with a spear.  Another great scene was a man getting eaten by a shark breaching out of the water over a jet ski.  I'm not even sure the shark was a Great White.  Do Bull Sharks breach?  My very favorite scene was the death of a character by a Nurse Shark (I mean Nurse Shark, really?) but it was set to the song Round and Round by RATT.

I don't have any life comparisons to this movie because lets face I've never been in a killer shark situation but I can tell Boris that it reaffirms my belief, "Water is not meant for humans, NO DIVING!"