Season of the Witch

Oh dear sister I blame this one on you.   Why oh why did you suggest this one?   More importantly why oh why did I watch the whole thing?   It goes against my code of staying away from mainstream action movies but I always get sucked into that fantasy crap.   I just can't stay away from it, my inner Dragonslayer always calls to me.  

On the pro side it had good scenery, a pustule ridden Christopher Lee and my favorite line, "Looked like someone pissed in his holy water".   On the con side it pretty much stunk. It was full of slow motion battle scenes, people being killed by a slight hit of the sword, terrible one liners (mostly from Ron Pearlman) and worst of all Nic Cage with a full head of hair. Why do you insist on wearing a hair piece?   We all know you are old and bald just accept it and move on like Bruce Willis did.  Also, one of my biggest pet peeves is the multiple accents in one movie.  This one had a range from British, Irish, Eastern European and ofcourse American.  I mean if you want me to believe that the Devil is trying to kill mankind with the plague and destroy a holy book then at least use one maybe two accents.  This movie had a 40 million dollar price tag but only brought in 25 million.   Big surprise.   I'm sure if I was thirteen I would of loved it.   If it was made as a B movie I would have loved it but in this form it is unlovable.   As my sister said this movie made Drive Angry an Oscar winner and I have to agree.  Ron Pearlman please stick to Hellboy, that role was meant for you.

Well summer is about to start so I will be more diligent about crappy movie blogging.   Until then I leave you with my other favorite quote from Season of the Witch:

Behman: We've been walking all day and haven't passed a soul. (Nic Cage)
Felson: Keep your souls, let me find a chicken. (Ron Pearlman)

Shark Night

Well it's been awhile but I managed to watch Shark Night tonight. It was absolutely terrible although it did have the key symptoms of a crummy B horror movie. Dumb college students going out for a weekend in the Louisiana Bayou, woohoo!, and getting attacked by sharks. You are asking yourself "Self, why are there sharks in the Bayou?", well I will tell you. Two sadistic creepers (hmm I am reminded of two guys who shall remain nameless but you know who you are! Everyone at work knows who I'm referring to). Anyway back to the story.  These creepers are filming real shark attack so people that enjoy Shark Week can see the real action.  No worries you figure this out pretty quick.  ****Spoiler Alert**** It sucks!!!! 

What made this movie watchable? First, the male Guess model, Chris Carmack was one of the creepers, see below! And classic lines such as, "We are going to get a doctor to humpty dumpy your butt back together." Of course this was said to one of the shark attack victims who lost an arm.  And scenes with the armless man attacking and killing a hammerhead shark with a spear.  Another great scene was a man getting eaten by a shark breaching out of the water over a jet ski.  I'm not even sure the shark was a Great White.  Do Bull Sharks breach?  My very favorite scene was the death of a character by a Nurse Shark (I mean Nurse Shark, really?) but it was set to the song Round and Round by RATT.

I don't have any life comparisons to this movie because lets face I've never been in a killer shark situation but I can tell Boris that it reaffirms my belief, "Water is not meant for humans, NO DIVING!"